So Sunday before last was my birthday. This weekend I finally made it up to the ‘rents to celebrate. My mom got me this card:
Well 30-some years later I’ve managed a 180:
The kid on the card isn’t actually me. And the choice of card is no happy accident. In fact Mom helped make PottyShirt v1.0.
She also got me this:
Disclaimer: The writer will not be held responsible for any damages incurred as the result of the following. The writer would also like to point out that one should never take legal advice from a man in a diaper, Matlock excepted.
1. Be illiterate. When the arresting officer asks you to recite the alphabet backwards simply burst into tears and sob something to the effect of “I can’t read! I never learned my BVDs!”
2. Be an amputee. Walking a straight line is tough enough even sober. Walking a straight line missing a leg/wearing a prosthetic/using those weird polio crutches is probably nigh-impossible. The bright side is you’ll have hopping in place on one leg down pat.
3. Lack a nose. If asked to hold your arms apart and slowly touch your nose simply point out your missing proboscis and the incredible insensitivity of the arresting officer. An industrious drunk might be tempted to endeavor in an impromptu nose-ectomy but, per the old adage, it’s never a good idea to cut off one’s nose to spite the fuzz.
Made a new shirt.
‘Nuff said.
Astute visitors may notice a new feature here on CFD: A Theme Song! Thanks go out to Kate for being an awesome webmistress and turning me on to Dubious Ranger who, for a small fee, created my awesome jam.
I coughed up the dough and they asked 10 questions to which I replied:
“1. Danceable psychedelic 60’s-80’s pop with an infectious gang-vocal-worthy chorus that would sell a metric shit-ton of cat food. P.S. I’m a huge Ween fan.
2. I’d like the chorus to incorporate my nickname: “Dr. Ew”. I like it pronounced “Doctor Oooooo (as in “Ooooooo! That feels awesome!”)” as opposed to “Doctor Ewwwww (as in “Ewwwww! That smells nasty!”)”. Feel free to snoop my blog www.cheddarfondrew.com/ for other various lyrical content.
3. “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones, “Rock n Roll Hoochie Koo” by Rick Derringer, “Steppin’ Out” by Joe Jackson, “Hot Pants” by James Brown
4. I like rock drums, farty/wet bass, squiggly synth lines, funky horn charts and swirling acid-soaked guitars. I’d like a little glockenspiel, if possible. You guys can go nuts but I’d prefer something that wasn’t too busy to enjoy.
5. Somewhere between lots and oodles.
6. All of the above
7. PG-13 (Two “fucks” max)
8. I’d like to hear my jam before 2010.
9. Can I answer that after I’ve heard it?
10. Sure. What the hell!”
And I really enjoy the results.
Pros: The guitar is acid-soaked, the synth couldn’t be squigglier, there’s a glockenspiel and my chorus is seriously bad-ass (the back-up vocals sound more Gener than hot black ladies but I’m still going to imagine hot black ladies).
(Minor) Cons: The bass is awesome (especially the breaks before the choruses) but could be wetter, somewhere along the line Tom Jones turned into Fred Schneider (which is actually kinda awesome) and the lack of a funky horn chart.
If them dudes ever make it OK way I daydream they’ll bill it as “Drewbious Ranger” and let me on stage for a “Dr. Ew” freakout.